Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Summertime Sucks; Here’s Why

Summer has officially begun, but while most of the world rejoices, I’m considering going into hibernation for the next three months. Sure, like most things that suck as a whole, summer does have some good points: Ice cream, more daylight hours, the lack of need to wear socks. But overall, summer is a horrible season, so put down that refreshing Frappucino (or whatever iced beverage is “in” this year), and taste the Haterade as I detail why summertime sucks.

*It’s hot. People who eagerly look forward to the summer must have some sort of memory loss, because they somehow forgot over the past nine months that it’s hot in the summer. And depending on where you live, it’s humid, too, which makes the heat even worse. Summer is the time of sweaty body parts and pit stains before 10:00 in the morning, no matter how many measures you take to combat them. And if you think the presence of all these sweaty people is helping to control the smell in urban areas, you’re an idiot.

*The clothes. I fully accept that people come in all shapes and sizes. What I won’t accept is people who don’t dress according to their shape and size. As soon as the thermometer creeps over 75 degrees, the masses decide to bust out tiny tank tops, booty shorts, and strappy sundresses. And the smaller and/or shorter these clothing items are, the better, because less clothing = cooler body, right? Well, maybe, but the rest of the world really doesn’t want to see butt-cleavage hanging out the back of cutoffs or boob fat spilling out of tops. There’s a very small percentage of the population that can successfully pull off the tiny summer outfits look, but that won’t stop everyone and their fat mother from wearing them anyway.

*School’s out. Remember when you could go out for lunch and enjoy a peaceful meal somewhere? Or how you could take a day off in the middle of the week to either run errands or do something fun since there wouldn’t be crowds of families everywhere? Well kiss those moments goodbye, because school’s out for the summer and there are children everywhere. Anywhere you go, there will either be hyperactive youngsters constantly underfoot or surly teenagers hanging around the places you like to shop. And there’s also the parents who can’t afford daycare and missed the summer camp signup deadline, so they just bring their kids into the office with them to become a total distraction to everyone else. But hey, it’s summertime! It’s not like anyone else is trying to get some actual work done!

*The crowds. Since school is out, summer is the prime time for families to go on vacation. So if you live anywhere that’s a popular tourist destination, you’re screwed. Vacationers will descend upon your hometown with their plaid shorts and fanny packs, they will clog up your streets/museums/beaches/whatever, and then ask you to take a photo of them standing next to a sign they think is funny. (Yes, you’re standing at the corner of Seaman Ave. and Cumming St., which your friends back in Sheboygan are going to find hilarious!)

*You still have to work. Unless you’re one of the aforementioned bastards who is off for the summer, you probably still need to report to a job of some kind. Which is just all kinds of awful as you gaze out the window at the sunshine and think about all the fun things you’d rather be doing. Naturally you’ve forgotten about the heat, the crowds, the school kids that are everywhere, and the fact that you look terrible in that outfit, because you’d be willing to deal with all of that if you could just get the hell out of this office.

So there you have it; definitive proof that summertime sucks. Now I’m off to douse myself in SPF 60 and sit in front of the blasting air conditioner while I fantasize about falling leaves and apple pie.

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